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Wine Tasting Journal

I’ve never “officially” been wine tasting before, so I’m not really sure how these are supposed to go. Apparently we’re supposed to take notes on the wine or whatever. I guess I’m just looking forward to discovering my own taste, enjoying some beautiful wineries, and meeting some new people. It’s actually my 5th date with this girl I’m seeing, Mona, and she thought loading onto a bus for the day and checking out a few wineries with her friends would be a “great introduction to the group.” So, here goes nothing!

LOCATION #1

WINERY: Twisted Oak

FAVORITE WINE: Malbec

NOTES: I liked it! Wait, I should work on being more specific. I really enjoyed the “full body” and how it accented the “notes of plum and black cherry.” I also really enjoy pretending to know what I’m talking about. Ha! Mona’s friends have been great. I think some of them did a little pregame before we started, so I’m finding myself playing catch up. The sommelier even slipped me an extra glass. It’s so gorgeous at this winery, I think I’m gonna become a wine guy!

LOCATION #2

WINERY: Augustine Family Winery

FAVORITE WINE: Cabernet Sauvignon

NOTES: Such a quaint little place in the hills, and the family was adorable. The family dog? Even more adorable. The cab had a hint of vanilla from aging in oak (or so I’m told). Keep it on the low, but I let the dog have some. Things are kicking up a notch over here, I never realized Mona’s voice could get so loud. Her friends think she’s really funny though, especially Gary. He keeps laughing at her loud jokes and yelling “bingo” before high fiving her. They must go way back. More (wine) to come.

LOCATION #3

WINERY: Cedar Hills

FAVORITE WINE: Cab Sauv

NOTES: I think I've decided that I prefer a “dry” wine. But I also have to admit that they’re all starting to taste the same. Mona’s friends sure are fun, but very inquisitive. For instance, when I asked her friend Tanya what shows she likes, she said “who cares, what’s going on with you and Mona?” I thought that was weird. Maybe she just doesn’t like TV? Mona was too busy singing her college fight song with Gary to bail me out. I guess they’re really proud of graduating from Weber State.

LOCATION #4

WINERY: Shadow Springs

FAVORITE WINE: Merlot

NOTES: Fruity and sweet. It was fine. Mona and Gary are starting to really piss me off. Mona now has the hiccups and Gary keeps getting her water. Wtf is that? Everyone is telling me they are just friends but I’m extremely positive they used to have a ton of sex with each other. God, he’s probably so good at sex, too. I went to get some air out back in hopes that Mona would follow me, instead her friend Joanne came out with some sort of weed pen. I took a hit, but I don’t think those things really work. 

LOCATION #5

WINERY: Some other place

FAVORITE WINE: Red

NOTES: I think I need to break up with Mona. She’s just not the one, ya know? We’re just not on the same page at all. I mean, she keeps playing Chainsmokers on the bus. How freaking mainstream can you be!? She’s also wearing a really weird hat today. She kind of looks like a train conductor. And her teeth are practically dark purple right now. You know who else sucks? Freaking Gary. Unrelated, I’m so high right now, it feels like my eyes are bleeding.

LOCATION #6

WINERY: Whatever

FAVORITE WINE: Whatever

NOTES: I did it. We’re over. She was very confused, but one day she’ll understand.  I’m no longer with the group. I can see their table though. They keep rubbing Mona’s back while staring at me. She’s crying, like, a lot. Tanya is mouthing things to me, like “screw you” and “you’re a monster.” Gary looks...pumped? Oh my God, Gary is totally going to make a move tonight. I’m such an idiot, I set him up perfectly. Oh right, this red wine tastes like red wine. I’m so hungry.

LOCATION #7

WINERY: Taco Bell

FAVORITE WINE: Gordita

NOTES: They didn’t let me back on the bus. I asked for a reason, all I got was “are you serious?” My Lyft driver was cool though. He pulled over to let me puke on the freeway. Then again on the street before Taco Bell. Cleared plenty of room for this magical Gordita. I don’t know if I should have broken up with Mona. Looking back, her hat was kinda cute. I’m sure she’ll answer one of my text messages. I sent 13 just to be sure. All in all, not a bad day. I think I’m officially a wine-o.